my family usually eats bagged cereals (you know, the off brand kinds that taste like deceit) and today my mother came home with 15+ boxes of sugared name-brand cereal, dumped them into my arms, and said “i can’t eat lies anymore, caroline.”
I love how a conversation about a family vacation turns into why don’t you ever ask about my life gorjana? why don’t you ever listen to about how I feel or ever wanna know how I feel gorjana? I don’t know woman, why do you always have to just go to me for these situations natasha? why don’t you find other people besides me who has enough on her plate emotionally and mentally and is trying to find stability natasha? Like fuck sakes dude. People can take so much to a certain point. But my sister doesn’t understand that sort of stuff. She believes I have very little things in my life to really worry or get upset about which in a sense I do but sometimes we all just get overwhelmed by life and just kind of fall down and for me it’s a daily thing of lifting myself back up as soon as I wake up and moving on through my day with a good mindset and no anxiety or second thoughts or anything along those lines. I like to be able to sit down and breathe. I want to be able to come into my house and have a day where something new and dramatic doesn’t happen and that my life is not a soap opera episode of the young and restless. Or they find a flaw in the way I live my life and how I do my character. Like, for me nowadays I keep to myself. I have very few people in my life and I like it that way. It keeps it simple and consistent. I enjoy stability and simplicity. I’m a spitfire and I definitely can have energy but most of the time I just like a peaceful setting just because everything in my life can get so chaotic sometimes that I just wanna be able to sit down and have pure calm just floating around. People tell you to meditate but the majority can’t sit still. Our minds race too often. Music helps to an extent with expression until you take what they say to heart and you start overanalyzing. Reading helps until you start blurring the words and start thinking yet again. I guess the consistent thought that runs through my mind each day is I just want calmness and stability. I just wanna have a good consistent day with no fluctuating curveballs headed toward me. A girl can dream.
It’s hard to stay in a better mindset when you live in a house with somebody who is just as fucked up as you are and doesn’t understand when to just leave you be but instead picks a fight with you with all the little things going on in your life. If I don’t have the money for a family vacation I don’t wanna go on it because whenever I have my family pay for anything they always hold it over my head like “Look how much I’ve done for you, you don’t appreciate me, blah blah blah” This is why I have a hard time letting people do shit for me because then they just come back and rub it in my face, especially my own blood.